*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.