DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.