That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.