me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Body by sandwich.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day