Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*