Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.