Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie