Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”