MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia