me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too