Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.