Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]