REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
You Might Also Like
We all have our pet causes.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
me irl
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.