t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.