I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.