people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Okay
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.