Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Cat.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
These work great until they don’t.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.