To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?