When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
OH. COME. ON.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…