I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
#MeanwhileInCanada
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.