“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
subtitles are so good nowadays
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.