[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
#JohnTravolta