I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
How to draw a duck
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.