“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.