Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
For anyone who needs this today
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”