people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.