I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia