*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ouch
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: