Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
You Might Also Like
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.