“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.