“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I put the p in pants.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen