Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!