*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Sell your car
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
giddy up Office Depot
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.