A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.