Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief