[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.