My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.