Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
blocked.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.