Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I don’t know what to do
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.