Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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Received some very disappointing news today
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.