I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.