Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
You Might Also Like
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
This checks out
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
(True)
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Omg 🤣
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.