I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You Might Also Like
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December