When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
58.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
He wanted to make sure😂
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog