whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.