*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Okay
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
What an awful time to have common sense.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this