Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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Namaste
Home is where your toilet is.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
this is how life feels
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run