Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.