When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂