13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
You Might Also Like
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this